Banoffee Pie!!!

The other day mum made some banoffee pie. She used to make it loads when we were kids, but it's a rare occassion these days. One thing to say about it: love it! there's very few loves I have in life, except maybe my music, and dare I say it my church (well we have a love/hate relationship!)- and naturally my friends. but if you ever want to cheer me up this is how to do it! I'm even going to be nice and give you the recipe ;-) go me- sharing all that love around, well it is Christmas after all!

Recipe here!!!!!!!!!!

another world

When I was little I knew when I grew up I wanted to play an instrument in musicals. When we went to see a musical I'd spend half my time watching the show, and half my time entranced with the musicians, and how much they were enjoying it, the one who always read his book inbetween scenes because he wasn't required and the conductor who lived and breathed every note along with me. This weekend we went to Manchester as a Christmas present for me and the boys. Yesterday we went to the Bridgewater Hall to see a concert performed by the Halle Orchestra and conducted by Carl Davies. The concert, 'All that Jazz' featured hits from musicals on stage and in film, featuring hits from the Lion King, Dirty Dancing, Phantom of the Opera, Evita, the King and I...the list was endless! We were sat at the top and my feet didn't touch the ground by a good few inches. I was like a little child again, thrilled with the music. And during the performance I couldn't help thinking, whilst spotting two of our old teachers from 6th form college, I wonder what would have happened if I'd done that music degree and not the theology one. If I'd pursued my love for playing in a group and composing instead of struggling with the Bible and the Catholic Church! And couldn't help but wonder if I'd followed my music if neither my music nor my faith would be in shattered pieces as they are at the moment.

Well can't dwell too much on that. After staying over night in Manchester we spent the day today pretty much to ourselves. Everyone else went to the January sales shopping, and I went for a walk. I walked for about an hour thinking about life et al it seems to be (well it is nearly New Years Eve-I'm allowed to reflect aren't I?!!!) Then we went to watch Mamma Mia at the Palace Theatre. To be fair it was a fairly weak story line, reminding me of a novel I read last year. But the music...I can't even remember the last musical I went to see- that's how long ago it is. But if you ever, ever want to win my heart musicals are the way forward! I felt ill at lunch when we watched the news reports on the hanging of Saddam Hussein, which did actually remind me exactly why I do study theology, and the incomprehension at how a 21st century society can hang someone. But then for two hours I was able to escape away from the world I live in, into one that although I know now, unlike when I was a kid, will never be my world, is still one I'm happy to occupy for a short while!

Boxing (literally) Night

back in July I wrote a post called give me back my rose-tinted glasses. Last night I went out for Boxing night. I promised months ago to go out with Jenna and have turned down so many nights out this holiday simply because I'm studying most of the time and I cant afford to because I'm not working. Boxing Night is the biggest night out of the year in Wigan. The whole town spend all year preparing, and people come from all over for it. The theme is fancy dress, and as Suzanne said the other night, the girls in Wigan wear less than the prostitutes in Berlin, so a fancy dress theme brings out some interesting costumes! I resent it because it's packed, it costs an average of £20 to get into a club and you have to go out ridiculously early to get in anywhere. So last night me and Jen were in town at 6.30pm having already drunk a full bottle of something. We had an ok night, saw lots more people I haven't seen in years and Chris came out with us again (after I forced him from Saturday night!) which was lovely to spend time with him. Chris left just about the time that Jen's kind-of boyfriend turned up with his best mate. We pretty much left the club straight away and though we wanted to walk back to Jen's getting a take away en route the two boys put us in a taxi insisting a party back at one of their houses. The boys live in the middle of nowhere and although they insisted they'd pay for the taxi and one back for us today it was obvious we could get stranded easily, and what they wanted out of us. Jen said no we were going home and asked the taxi driver to stop. The boys told the taxi driver to carry on cos we were going to a party. The taxi driver ignored Jen's constant pleas to stop the taxi for about 15minutes and only stopped when she screamed because he had driven so far from where she lived. Now it's fine that she know's the boys kind of, and we're both pretty sensible. But if we had of been unaware of our actions (which after 7 hours of drinking is understandable!) or we'd had a drink spiked, or we hadn't known the boys at all, we'd have been in a lot of danger. It's true the boys were drunk, but with Wigan like it is, and the fact that having bottles thrown at your head, fights breaking out etc. is a common night out in Wigan it doesn't help when taxi drivers show no responsibility whatsoever towards girls when they take them home...as you can say I'm a little irated by the whole situation

Christmas Presents all round.

best of wishes to everyone...hope you've had an amazing Christmas :-) Christmas in the Bajkowski household has been as eventful as ever. Good and bad parts as always but no ones gone to bed drunk or crying (yet!-and as I'm the only one left up there's hope!) so it can't be that bad!! Just thought I'd put a couple of links up for anyone whos interested in all I've talked about for the last week ;-). I can't get any from the final on Saturday night, or surprisingly enough today's Christmas special! But there's one of the showdances from last year and a couple from the semi-finals. I enjoyed them anyway so if you're like me and trying not to think about how much work you've got to do tomorrow I'm offering you some form of procrastination!!
Zoe Ball's Freestyle in last years series:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3V2uFBRxq4
as early as week 5 from this year. Mark and Karen faced disaster when their mics got all caught up but came out with a stunning performance afterwards
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-ZXj0lBJoI
and then semi finals, week 11. Everyone had to do the Argentine Tango, and they all struggled with it, both the celebrities, and the professionals who hadn't done it themselves before. I didn't think Emma's was great, and Matt got slated for his which I didn't think particularly fair, but Mark's...well see for yourself what you think:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mywclvPw1KI

Mark also gave a fantastic showdance in the final on Saturday but as I say I can't put that one up yet! So hope I've managed to distract you all for at least 20minutes :-) Happy Christmas everone, one and all. xx

agitated

i may have got a little bit drunk last night...and i may need the computer and phone hiding from me next time...but after a number of hours today lying on my back thinking 'im going to be sick' I am finally feeling human again :-) however, I'm not a happy bunny. even though it was just wonderful to catch up with the friends last night that I went to high school with (another group from Thursday night) I missed the Strictly Come Dancing final...:-(:-(:-(:-(
dragged myself out of bed this morning to watch it and Grandad was watching the football. Then my mums brother and family arrived, then my dad's cousin arrived, and then emmerdale came on and we had to let my grandparents watch it. now my dad wants me to practice the music for mass tomorrow morning. HONESTLY!!! anyone would think it's Christmas and a family time...
I just want to watch the final :-(

Pieland

For those of you who always wondered why whenever someone from the North-West met me they said 'who ate all the pies?!' or didn't believe me when I said we counted 12 pie shops just in the centre of Wigan alone when we were teenagers, or just wants to smile because Christmas is stressing you out as much as it is me...this is the article for you!!! :-)
and for the more intricate details see here.

Strictly Resting

Saturday night is the final of Strictly Come Dancing Season 4. I've been in Durham pretty much all of the series, but have been catching up thanks to my fantastic parents and brother who recorded most of the series. Recently I've been falling slowly, although not actually realising it. I think I've just been under pressure of the expectations everyone seems to have of me. (and that I think I sometimes create!) I feel that lecturers are expecting me to perform better because I've had an extra year to everyone else. Third years expect me to be better and are presuming just because I've done a lot for my dissertation it's going to be fantastic, when I'm just worrying doing interviews is a tad risque where finals are concerned. Teaching in Durham has been ok this term but i've not got the buzz out of it I usually do. I had work experience starting on Monday that I was scared to even face because if I didn't like it I had absolutely no plans for the rest of my life! and when talking theology the other day my dad gave me a worried look and walked out of the room mid debate (I've never won him at an argument before) so I just felt, even my faith is beyond help now. I guess i've just been feeling overwhelmed and under pressure to be someone I haven't felt good enough to be.

But today I went into school for the final day this week. The kids were amazing in their assembly :-), one of the R.E. staff who I've met for maybe 15minutes at most came up and said, Maria I was thinking about you last night and we just have to take these kids that you've been working with to Durham, will you help me sort this out? Another kid came in at lunch time and because the chaplain was busy spent 20mins just talking to me despite the fact he'd absolutely no idea who I was, and it felt good to be a supportive model for them. Both the chaplains and the R.E staff asked me if I'd come back after Christmas for a couple of days before I had chance to ask if I could. But I think the strangest thing of all this week- On Monday we were sat in the office and a member of staff walked into the room. It was someone I used to be very close to for about 18months, we got on very well but after certain events involving close friends of the both of us we ended our friendship on a sour note. It's 5 years since we had any contact with each other or even knew what the other was doing. To see him working in a pastoral setting in the University has meant I've had to spend time with him this week, and it's been great. We've been getting on as well as ever.(I've just abused him wherever possible really!!) I came home from school this afternoon just feeling a bit more confident in my capabilities. as a reward I treated myself to about 5 hours of Strictly Come Dancing, and I can hardly talk about competition compared to what they have to face on Saturday! I love dancing, I love music, for as long as I can remember they've both been in my life for one thing or another) and to just forget about work for one evening and relax (although I have to confess I've still read a couple of articles) has done me the world of good. So I'm going to enjoy this contentment that I CAN do things and I'm not a complete failure for a moment longer before I get up tomorrow and start my work properly again!

a dualistic world/mind

It's easy to live out of the real world in Durham. I don't have a tv or newspapers. Ok I should make more of an effort with the internet,but in reality I have no clue what's going on in the world. I would say between 5 and 7 days a week I'm studying evil. Reading case studies, events, groups, exorcisms, possession and the extent to which man can ruin themselves. But once again it's easy to take the academic approach and not think too much about the reality. I came home yesterday and when I went to pick my mum up from work there were three items on the news.

1. 5 prostitutes have been murdered in Suffolk in the last couple of weeks. (latest on the news)
2. At Wythenshawe College (probably about half an hour away from me, if that) a girl was being bullied by another girl. And so the parents of the bullied girl bought one and a half litres of petrol, poured it through the door of the house of the girl doing the bullying, and set fire to it, killing the parents, and harming the girl in the house. (news report)
3. The day before yesterday a 19 year old girl was raped by three men on the next street to my dad's surgery. (can't find a link to this one!)

But basically I sat there watching the news later on, in shock to it all. It's so easy when you're studying it day in day out to forget that men actually do this not just write about it. Then went to watch Simon in one of his Christmas concerts, but I couldn't stop all this from plaguing my mind. It was Wigan Big Band, Wigan Intermediate Brass Band and Wigan Youth BrassBand playing. I have a weakness for Brass Band music anyway particularly at Christmas. Now my faith is more than dented at the moment, my parents asked despairingly yesterday whether I'd been to Mass in the last few months, and then followed with why not? But there was something about a big Brass Band playing 'When a Child is Born' that made me want to get down on my knees and cry. I didn't! But that thing of hope that I talked about at Easter, with everything then- just showed a glimmer, amongst the horrific place I live in and reminded me that although dented, it's not destroyed, I know where my heart lies.

And finally...

My life is full of finalities! On Monday I was talking to Abby and she was saying it was exactly a year since she left Helsinki. A very scary thought...it means Helsinki isn't something we've just done now, it's another thing on the CV of something I did. And this last week I've been considering how much I've wasted the 7 months that I've been home, I'm feeling restless to do something else now (uh oh). Today is also the last day of term- although unfortunately it only meant handing my penultimate essay in. I have another in on Friday, an interview for my dissertation on Saturday morning and then work experience begins on Monday. College is empty, all but for a handful of hardcore students staying on, now and there's an eerie silence about the place. On top of that the weather today has decided to go hysterical. A few times I thought I was going to lose my balance earlier on. It's just ridiculously windy and wet. A crazy end to a crazy term. That means however that I just have 3 months and 4 exams left and my whole degree is over. So the week has been one of considering the last 4 years, the last 12 months, and the last three months. And with this restless need to make an end something new and exciting I don't think I will get the rest I probably need! I'm too excited about my next project, and the next few months :-) And so with that, all that remains is to say happy birthday to my muppet :-) don't worry that you're getting old now sweetie- it's not the end yet, still plenty of time to do something crazy! This year's Christmas Newsletter finished with, Maria remains unpredictable....well I have to live up to these expectations they have of me- bring it on!

today's freudian slip

just had 'bat out of hell' album on in the background while I pretended to write this essay and instead of singing 'and the last thing I see is my heart, still beating' sang 'and the last thing I see it my heart, still bleeding'. hmmm!!!!

So...

how many times did I use 'so' in that last post, particularly the first paragraph. Anyone would think I was trying to defend something... (Me??? Defensive???!!)

Bits and Christmas pieces.

Ok, so I kept saying all week that I'll let you know what's been going on but I've been too tired to do so. My next door neighbour has music on which means that despite the fact it's 2am and I'm going to Edinburgh at 6.30am tomorrow morning I'm not going to get any sleep. So figured I may as well update my blog and get on with my work. So term is nearly over, Christmas is nearly here. Life is chaotic! I have two essays left to write. One for Wednesday is for one of the lecturers I was out drinking with on Monday and seen as well I told him excitedly all the work I'd been doing for it that week he's now expecting an amazing essay and it's really not going to be! The other is a chunk of my dissertation. Any chunk, however long I want, but she'll be expecting about 2,000 words and so far I've done none....eeek!
On Monday (as I may have mentioned!!) we had the theology ball, which was great fun. There were stuff about it I was concerned about (and rightly so it turned out) but nonetheless I had a great night!
Tuesday was the first Christmas formal. Only just making it to my 4.15pm (and completely humiliating) lecture, I was in no fit state to be Christmassy. No food was eaten, no wine drunk and my camera I discovered there was out of charged batteries.
Wednesday I went to watch a play my friend is producer for. It was called ...thespacebetween...and is a student-written and performed play. The script was morbid, disturbing and the girl who wrote it should be in therapy. But it was also fascinating and included a lot of the concepts one of my modules involves, and so I enjoyed it immensely (and the others thought me odd for doing so I think!)
Thursday I was just about recovering from Monday. Able to walk properly again we had our second Christmas formal which I had literally 7 minutes from returning from lectures to get to. Able to face one alocholic drink that night I left early to get some sleep (which never happened due to firealarms and drunken housemates)
And so today has been a day of catching up on things. The rest of the week does look pretty busy and manic but I just keep looking at my life in retrospect of last Christmas and thinking, :-)

brand new outfit- all bought that day! but you can understand now why I had to walk home barefoot...

the play I went to see on Wednesday night..

Thursday's Christmas formal

Aidan's 12 days of Christmas...

from some dodgy catholic...

just to let you know the highlight of my day because it tickled me immensely!
Context: understanding the context of my day is pretty important first of all! I was kept up until 5.40am last night with my drunken housemates parties while I tried to sleep. That meant this morning I was in no fit state to read the articles for this afternoons seminar. Only a handful of people turned up to the seminar so I had no choice but to talk about things I had no clue about! I then went up to the library to argue with them about why a book I had renewed hadn't been renewed and why I was being fined for another book I had returned earlier this week. After this I went down to Church where they had adoration all afternoon and cried for an hour. At 5pm I wiped the tears away and walked into the pub where the theologians meet every week
So we're all sat there in the pub, subdued, exhausted and most of us on lemonade! Mary is talking about an essay she has been working on and says that the thing about Luther is when you start reading about him properly and understanding him properly, you need to understand about Catholicisim to do so accordingly, but then you get something like Maria, which is just wrong!
lol, most people fell about laughing and Stuart quickly said 'rephrase that, now!' Because we know each other so well I knew exactly what she meant. We're not shy of talking faiths with each other, and coming from someone who didn't know any but hated all Catholics before coming to uni its been a fun journey learning each other's backgrounds! She missed my conversation with Theo yesterday of 'I hate my church but I love it too much to ever be able to leave'. Still...I have to admit, I have to agree with her. I mean would you trust a Catholic with Lutheran sympathies? Look what happened in the 16th century when that happened!!

tired but content

am loving the fact that it's 2.30am, and with 5 days left until the end of term, there's hardly a spare computer free in the library!! Amazingly enough though, as tired as I am (will post sometime about the play I saw tonight and last nights formal) I am still enjoying my work. Usually the first term is so long, and by the end of it I'm so desperate to go home and can't bare to be in Durham a second longer. On the contrary, although it will be nice to go home I'm not eagerly anticipating it, just letting it creep up along with these deadlines. I'm just a content being at the moment- something I haven't experienced much before in my life! so I'm going to make the most of it and go and read the things for my seminar tomorrow...

Wine? I'm sure it was water when we began!!

The quiet calm of Abbey House, full of some of the worlds top leading theologians, scribbling away at their latest work. Hmmm! Last night we had the theology ball. Most people who aren't theologians tend to say theologians and alcohol?Nah!. Those thoelogians amongst us though know that it will end up being one of the messiest nights of the year and this one was no exception! Unlike previous years, there were only two lecturers who came along which is a shame as it's always nice to chat to them outside of the classrooms. I was sat on the table with one of our new lecturers who has just moved here from Cambridge and is taking my second year module that I'm sitting. He seems lovely but before last night I'd never had the opportunity to speak to him. Word of advice though for all those who think it would be nice to have a small, close knit department like ours. DON'T drink so much you've chunks of the night missing from your memory. DON'T spend 3 hours telling new lecturer you think he's amazing! DON'T keep accepting drinks from two lecturers when you can already barely stand up. DON'T drag your lecturers into the nightclub when they obviously don't want to go and there's only about half an hour left before closing anyway. DON'T walk back across the city with new lecturer bare foot because you bought new shoes that morning and they were hurting. DON'T introduce new *shy* lecturer, to outlandish housemates, also drunk on their way home. DON'T offer to let him sleep on your floor when he can't remember his code to get into college (I don't actually remember that part!) DON'T miss one lecture of the year the next morning on your dissertation subject. DON'T limp down to lecture, having removed stones and left holes in feet, and sit in class with the new lecturer- because it's humiliating!!!!!! I was still shaking at 9.30pm tonight after the experience. Chris just laughed at me when I walked into his lecture today and offered him a penny sweet in apology! I'd like to say I'll learn but really I know it's just another night down in the history of the Theology Department!

Maria is...

Maria is not 18 anymore!

Maria is thinking that one status on facebook is not enough for her complex character, and so if she had her chance she would have it as:

• Maria is fed up of swimming her way through to F House.
• Maria is feeling that sense of 'grit your teeth' when her computer went crazy and lost half the stuff she'd been typing up for the last hour.
• Maria is also feeling guilty for leaving her computer to sort out it's identity crisis for itself while she went to a jcr meeting. Only to have someone hust for an environmental position and comment on the damage done by everyone just leaving their computers on.
• Maria is thinking Christmas is a stressful time, with no presents bought, lots of essays due in and at least one thing to attend every night now until the end of term.
• Maria is thinking that after talking to Mis for just two minutes the other day he's managed to put her life back into perspective and it suddenly seems so much less stressful, complicated and lonely :-)
• Maria is looking forward to the awkwardness of tomorrow nights theology ball!
• Maria is excited that blogger seems to have returned to normal self and will *hopefully* post this post without a problem.
• Maria is scheming a crazy summer.
• Maria is loving listening to meatloaf again- it's just been too long!
• Maria is waiting for something to go wrong with her degree, as everything seems to be doing just fine at the moment. (she says with two essays still to write- but still well on top of them!)
• Maria is missing the part of her life that was performance. She is sat looking at her flute thinking, I used to be good, now I'm too scared to get it out for fear at how bad I've become. Watching the college panto last night has got her thinking maybe she should get in touch with the performance side of her life again.
• Maria is worried she wont sleep tonight having sat inside all day with the rain pouring down outside!
• Maria is going through phases of getting very excited and being very scared at the prospect of her international event next term!
• Maria is considering that whenever she's tried to write a status all week she's wanted to use the one tense 'maria is' doesn't allow for- the past tense, and thinks this says a lot about where's she's been living the last few weeks!
• Maria is pleased she can think of so many Maria is' ;-)
• Maria is procrastinating and must get back to her work now
• Maria is a muppet!
• Maria is thinking......!