Strictly Resting

Saturday night is the final of Strictly Come Dancing Season 4. I've been in Durham pretty much all of the series, but have been catching up thanks to my fantastic parents and brother who recorded most of the series. Recently I've been falling slowly, although not actually realising it. I think I've just been under pressure of the expectations everyone seems to have of me. (and that I think I sometimes create!) I feel that lecturers are expecting me to perform better because I've had an extra year to everyone else. Third years expect me to be better and are presuming just because I've done a lot for my dissertation it's going to be fantastic, when I'm just worrying doing interviews is a tad risque where finals are concerned. Teaching in Durham has been ok this term but i've not got the buzz out of it I usually do. I had work experience starting on Monday that I was scared to even face because if I didn't like it I had absolutely no plans for the rest of my life! and when talking theology the other day my dad gave me a worried look and walked out of the room mid debate (I've never won him at an argument before) so I just felt, even my faith is beyond help now. I guess i've just been feeling overwhelmed and under pressure to be someone I haven't felt good enough to be.

But today I went into school for the final day this week. The kids were amazing in their assembly :-), one of the R.E. staff who I've met for maybe 15minutes at most came up and said, Maria I was thinking about you last night and we just have to take these kids that you've been working with to Durham, will you help me sort this out? Another kid came in at lunch time and because the chaplain was busy spent 20mins just talking to me despite the fact he'd absolutely no idea who I was, and it felt good to be a supportive model for them. Both the chaplains and the R.E staff asked me if I'd come back after Christmas for a couple of days before I had chance to ask if I could. But I think the strangest thing of all this week- On Monday we were sat in the office and a member of staff walked into the room. It was someone I used to be very close to for about 18months, we got on very well but after certain events involving close friends of the both of us we ended our friendship on a sour note. It's 5 years since we had any contact with each other or even knew what the other was doing. To see him working in a pastoral setting in the University has meant I've had to spend time with him this week, and it's been great. We've been getting on as well as ever.(I've just abused him wherever possible really!!) I came home from school this afternoon just feeling a bit more confident in my capabilities. as a reward I treated myself to about 5 hours of Strictly Come Dancing, and I can hardly talk about competition compared to what they have to face on Saturday! I love dancing, I love music, for as long as I can remember they've both been in my life for one thing or another) and to just forget about work for one evening and relax (although I have to confess I've still read a couple of articles) has done me the world of good. So I'm going to enjoy this contentment that I CAN do things and I'm not a complete failure for a moment longer before I get up tomorrow and start my work properly again!